RELATIONAL MEDIATION AND THE DAUGHTER
ON BAIL STORY
Neville had referred me to Amelia Renouf’s article about relational
mediating, titled ‘The Uneasy 'Sixth Step' in Mediating’ (1992). Renouf
referred to a five-step mediation model and had ‘evolving relations’ as a sixth
step which is usually not included in traditional mediation.
One version of the mediation process typically used in the
‘Western’ world has been defined as follows:
I. Statement
of the problem by the parties
II. Information
gathering time
III. Identification
of the problems
IV. Bargaining
and generating options, and
V. Reaching
an agreement.
I endeavour to engage in
Neville’s relational mediating process that differs from the above process.
I will explore this difference
by revisiting the Daughter on Bail story; I was mediating between three parties:
1.
Parents,
2.
Daughter, and
3.
Life’s possibilities
The aspects:
o
The process is engaging the daughter
with her mother and father as a small group.
o
I have no stage-based step-by-step
model or way as my way, rather, everything that I do is guided by and emerging
from the moment-to-moment unfolding context, not a prescriptive five-step
model; following Neville’s poem – ‘The way is searching for the Way’
o
The mother and father have their
daughter as their focus; the daughter is focused on her self; and I have the
three of them as my focus.
o
The process I’m using does not construe
the context as ‘a problem’. None of the participants or their behaviour are
defined as a ‘problem’ to be ‘solved’, as in Step 3 in the process.
o
There is no diagnosing and prescribing
as implied in Step 3 & 4 in the traditional five-step mediation process
outlined above.
o
There is however subtle negotiating of
meaning; for example, the quartz become ‘pebbles’ to ‘help with awareness’ for
the daughter, and a ‘cross’ for the parents who may have baulked at the idea of
my using crystals.
o
My presence in the house is, for the
daughter, about ‘flexibility’ at a physical level. I am metaphorically using
‘flexibility’ in much wider senses.
o
I never take sides; though I was asked
by the parents to take their side when they teed up the meeting.
o
There is no ‘information-gathering
stage’, though the ever-changing context is in-forming me constantly throughout my visit, and I am being
informed especially by the non-conscious communicating of the three of them
with me have my attending competence attuned to these subtle cues
o
There are no questions asked by me
apart from obtaining her okay to support her getting to sleep
o
There is connecting at many levels:
o
With her breathing
o
With her belly
o
Her heart energy connecting to her
pelvic area
o
Reconnecting with her mother and father
o
Reconnecting with her inner child
o
There is no bargaining.
o
There is no ‘reaching an agreement’,
though all three find themselves more agreeable.
o
There is no blaming, judging, condemning,
or demanding. It is all about connecting and relating – their connecting and
relating with each other, their relating with me, and all of them relating to
life’s boundless possibilities.
The way of relational mediating is woven into this story and best outlined in
story and metaphor. Attempting to convey the pervasive richness of the Way by
describing and explaining fails; it has to be embodied.
THE MEDIATOR
© 1989. May
be copied with this acknowledgement
for non
profit purposes.
Inma Nelps,
Mediation Matters, Yungaburra 4872
The mediator
is a peace-maker. S/he is a middle friend to both sides. S/he helps ease
disputes and stop fights.
S/he is
neutral – this means not one side or the other, but for the goodness in both.
The mediator
is someone who can help people to find the good in each other; and to dream up
agreeable new ways. They can then learn to sort things out in a safe, friendly
and respectful way. As they solve more problems side by side and in harmony,
nasty arguments go away.
Mediators
help people to listen to and hear each other, to tune in, to understand and to
step into each other’s feelings. They can see eye to eye, feel good and be in
balance. People find common ground and begin to trust and respect each other
more.
Mediators do NOT
judge anyone as right and wrong – they accept the good in each one.
The do NOT
pass out ‘justice’ – they help people find, share and decide fair agreements
for themselves – and feel good about it.
They do NOT
punish – they support cooperation and choice.
They do NOT
talk for others – people talk for themselves, and to each other.
People who
have argued and disagreed meet with the mediator of their own free will. It is
private between the mediator and those who were fighting. There are NO
lawyers, NO police, NO officials present.
In the past
all societies had priests, monks and others doing mediation work. Now the
mediator is coming back into the modern world. Communities find and train their
own mediators. They share and exchange mediators to help each other.
In some parts
of Australia mediators are being paid to help talk out answers to problems.
Also police can refer people to a mediator instead of making an arrest.
Mediators can
relieve and ease the workload on police and courts. For suitable community and
domestic troubles mediation works well. Its results are fair, cheaper and
easier. People feel better, are more satisfied and cooperate more readily in
the future.
MEDIATOR TRAINING OUTLINE
© 1989 may be
copied with this acknowledgement
For
non-profit purposes.
Inma Nelps
Mediation Matters, Yungaburra 4872
The systems
mediation approach is adapted and extended from the model used by the Family
Mediation Services of Ontario, Canada, supported by the University of Toronto.
The nelpful
approach (neurolinguistic programming) is based on cultural modelling and skill
copying of outstanding mediators, negotiators, counsellors, artists and
educators.
Context
mediation and story performance includes derivatives from therapeutic communities,
dance therapy, psychodrama and music therapy.
There are now
over thirty texts, many audio-video training tapes, and computer programmes
available as backup to this training programme.
The training
programme involves developing skills in:
1. Rapport Building.
2. Gathering Information, monitoring and precision questioning.
3. Accurate cue reading; the client disputants and their body
language.
4. Assessing the client’ internal states, strategic and sorting
patterns and external relationships.
5. Establishing well-formed outcomes in mediation and problem
solving.
6. Home and Street mediation.
Techniques
for mediation problem-solving skills include:
1. Anchoring – Few or one trial relearning.
2. Changing personal history, re-imprinting, future-programming – altering
perspectives on previous painful or angry attitudes.
3. Dissociation – separating memories from bad or violent feelings.
4. Accessing states and chaining – resourceful habits and good
moods, dramatic pattern-interrupt.
5. Reframing – finding constructive meanings, resolving internal
and external conflicts, seeing trouble in a better light.
6. Mediating Metaphor – storytelling, performance and ideography as
parables for healthy tolerance and cooperative living.
7. Mapping Across – changing limiting beliefs and attitudes.
8. The Swish, Compulsion Blowout – eliminating bad or rigid habits.
9. Releasing codependence and dysfunctional jealousy.
10. Responding well to criticism and argument – self mediation
skills.
11. Developing ethnic and cultural self-esteem – resolving shame and
guilt.
12. Language skills – general/specific mobility. Conversational
change.
13. Re-evaluating relationships – mediating to balance common
ground, group mediation, community monitoring
14. Time attention and location – for constructive use of time, and
organising actions.
These and
other skills have been shown to be very effective in rapid release of problems
of low self-esteem, jealousy, alcoholism and drug addiction, misunderstanding,
anxiety, grief and depression, argumentativeness, abusive behaviour, public
disturbance and other problems. They are very useful for those coping with
disputes in family and community relationships.
It is
considered that a monitor or intake counsellor will need 45 hours instruction
and field experience, a mediator 90 hours and a senior mediator 180 hours. A
master mediator will need about 360 hours.